It’s funny how much easier it is to start talking when it’s in writing. There’s not much silence when you type, is there? You know how uncomfortable I am with it.
But it’s also less real – I can’t see you right now, I’m very much detached and almost started my letter in an official tone. The one I’d use at work emailing.
Anyway, it’s been six month since we said farewell and finished therapy. Six very long and rough months full of challenge and therefore growth. I remember saying to pop by when I’m at home, but somehow I couldn’t in May – it was too early, then in September it didn’t make sense.
I missed you a lot, in fact I am still missing you. Therapy. Being a C type it worked for me so well because I need feedback, challenge and constructive criticism from someone credible. Well, to be honest, it’s easier to take it from a person who is objective. There are still some moments when I think I’d share something with you just to realise we are no longer in touch.
It was very hard at the beginning, I literally went through a withdrawal phase. A week after our last session I had a bad sore throat and a chest infection with a cough that kept me up for nights and suffocated me throughout the days, as if all the untold pain and suffering was going to break free and find its way out of my body. Let’s just say, there was a lot to deal with.
Time has passed by unnoticeably fast. I’m not going to lie, there’s been many tears and anxiety going on. Work stress has taken its toll on my health and I started to have random panicky episodes and headaches that would last days. Sometimes the pressure on my chest would stick around no matter how much I slept, meditated, how well I ate or rested.
I decided to leave my job, go part time and pursue my dream. It was not an easy decision for many reasons. First I felt like a failure for quitting, but it was only because of the word itself. I did not quit on myself. I did it on something that made me miserable, in fact if anything I stood up and have chosen me. I had to admit, that this job wasn’t for me and even though my ego resisted for a while, I let go of my false expectations and has given my notice.
Oh, the amount of justification I had to do because I’m leaving for my health. Some asked if I could stay and just take some medication. Some said it’s all in my head and that everyone is stressed. Some asked if my husband allows me to go part time. Some said I’ve probably made him to agree with me on this. Some asked how is that normal to go part time for health reasons. Some said I’m privileged to leave because I have a husband to pay for me.
They almost made me question my own choice. Why is it so unacceptable to choose our physical and mental wellbeing over position, money and social status? Yes, I know I’m lucky to have a partner who supports me in every possible way and for that I’m ever so grateful. But shouldn’t we all have the freedom of choice when it comes to our health and sanity regardless our relationship status?
So, yes, I’m leaving full time and going part time. The rest of my week days I will work on my coaching and heal. Create health and wealth. Re-write old, useless patterns and establish fresh, more effective and productive ones.
I know healing is not linear and anxiety made my path clear. I want to focus on wellbeing and balance in my coaching. I want to open up conversations, challenge taboos and assist others to heal. Show the way, the options, that there is a way, there are possibilities.
I miss being in therapy with you. I’ve learned a lot, but I also learned that I can be whole without / after therapy, too. That I can function and grow on my own as well. I can be kind and gentle with myself – and guess what, I can be part of a team and I even enjoyed it!
David, I will always be grateful for your wisdom and help. You’ve taught me how to face myself and how to live with it. You’ve made me notice many inconvenient, deeply buried issues that needed to be dealt with. You’ve helped me to accept my father. You’ve healed my broken wing so that I can now fly.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Wishing you all the best,