PERSONAL · SOULFOOD

#SOULFOOD – ILLUSION OR REALITY: THE PANIC ATTACK…

panic and anxiety 1

HU: Az alabbi cikket 3 evvel ezelott irtam, akkor csak angolul jelent meg, de most, hogy Ritaval elkezdtuk vegre a SOULFOOD (“Lelekmelengeto”) projektunket ujra aktualissa valt, ezert magyarra is leforditottam. Nehez volt ujraolvasni, annyi emlek, erzes jott elo, kavarog bennem, de tudom, hogy mar sokkal jobban vagyok, szinte fenyevekre attol az onmagamtol, allapottol. A kitarulkozas nem ment konnyen, de  szuksegszeru volt a felepulesem szempontjabol (is), meg azert is, hatha ezzel masoknak is segithetek, remenyt adhatok. Ime tehat az akkori gondolataim:

2013 Februar 3.

Bamulom a kepernyot, azon gondolkozom hogy kezdjem, hol kezdjem, elkezdjem-e egyaltalan. Ez a poszt azoknak szol, akik ketsegbeesetten segitseget keresnek, azoknak, akik szeretnenek segiteni, es egy katona felesegnek valahol Amerikaban. Ez a legoszintebb cikk, amit valaha is irtam – a celja, hogy felkeltse a figyelmet, hogy raebresszen, ez nem szegyelnivalo allapot, betegseg. Annyira zurzavaros meg mindig az informaciocsere ebben a temaban, az emberek tobbsege fel beszelni rola, beismerni, felvallalni.

Panikbeteg vagyok. Tobb, mint 6 eve szenvedek ettol, ami megvaltoztatta a viselkedesem, az egesz eletem. A sajat arnyekomban elek, felelemben, csakis a komfort zonamom belul, amely egyre kisebb es kisebb, egyre inkabb szukul minden panikroham utan.

Pontosan emlekszem az elso rohamra, ahogy az ejszaka kozepen mint egy beosono tolvaj sujtott le ram minden jel nelkul. Fekudtem a sotet szobaban, fogalmam sem volt, hogy mi tortenik velem, azt gondoltam, hogy szivrohamom van es meg fogok halni. Barcsak lett volna valaki korulottem, aki segit, aki elmondja, hogy mi tortenik epp velem! Honapokig egyedul voltam a pusztito problemammal. Fokozatosan elkezdtem kerulni minden olyan elethelyzetet, amelyben panikrohamom volt, es lassacskan kialakitottam egy olyan “uj” eletet, aminek semmi koze sem volt hozzam, az igazi enemhez. A legtobb ember korulottem nem tudott a panikbetegsegemrol, es a mindennapos Poker arc viselese, kifogasok sokasaga meginkabb lehuzott.

panic and anxiety 2

Azota Londonba koltoztem, ahol egy ideig tunetmentes voltam, de vegul is minden visszajott. Ez egy mindennapos ketsegbeesett harc. Minden panikroham egy kiabrandulas, a kudarc keseru erzeset hagyja maga utan, azt, hogy csalodast okozok magamnak es a szeretteimnek. Az eletero utolso cseppjet is kifacsarja belolem, s cserebe csak dermedseg es kilatastalansag a fizetseg. DE…

Az evek soran megtanultam, hogy el kell fogadnom aki vagyok, s vele egyutt ezt a helyzetet is (munka folyamatban). Mindenhol a megoldast keresem, legyen az orvosi, spiritualis, s meg ha rohadt nehez is, de minden roham utan osszeszedem magam, es ujrakezdem.

Azert ez a vallomas, mert hiszem, hogy masoknak is segithet. Nekem ez nem adatott meg az elejen, tisztaban vagyok vele, hogy milyen aldas lehet, ha van. A LEGNAGYOBB segitseg, hogy tudom, hogy nem vagyok egyedul, hogy szamithatok masokra, ha szukseges (bar, az elsodleges szemely en kellene, hogy legyek, hogy tudjak magamra szamitani – munka folyamatban).

Azok, akik sosem eltek at panikrohamot, valoszinuleg sosem ertik meg teljesen mirol is szol a dolog, mi jatszodik le valakiben. Ez igy is van rendjen, nem varhato el senkitol, aki nem tapasztalta, de igy is segithetnek. Nagyon nehez lehet beszelni rola, de kell! En elkovettem azt a hibat, hogy tul sokaig nyomtam el magamban, tartottam titokban, aztan ujra hibaztam akkor is, amikor “elvartam” a tarsamtol, hogy kezdjen vele(m) valamit, amikor en magam sem tudtam vele(m) mit kezdeni. Lenyeg, hogy ne fojtsd el, de persze ne is ruhazd ra masokra! Az allando panaszkodas nem segit, es a kapcsolataidnak sem tesz jot, viszont akik tenyleg torodnek veled es szeretnek, ott lesznek neked, ha kell (az en tarsam ebben (is) igazan a tarsamma valt, egy csodalatos ember, aki a maga modjan rengeteget segit(ett).

Amikor rohamom van igyekszem hidegverrel vegigcsinalni – ez kb olyan, mint a langokban allva nem megegni. Probalom felismerni, tudatositani, hogy igen, most panik van, de el fog mulni (altalaban kb 20 perc alatt lefut az egesz, megis akar napokig tarthat, mig az ember osszekaparja magat utana). A pulzusszamolas nem segit, a vernyomasmerot pedig eszedbe ne jusson elovenni! A tudatos legzes csodakat muvel (megha akkor pont lehetetlennek tunik is). Ha a partnerem velem van, akkor probalja elterelni a figyelmemet, beszeltet, ami legtobbszor segit is, de persze mindenkinek mas a mankoja, mas lehet a jo.

Tudom, hogy minden fejben dol el, es ha en nem akarok segiteni magamon, akkor masok sem tudnak segiteni nekem. Meditalok, jogazok, neha tornazok, sokat olvasok a temaban, hatha ralelek majd a megoldasra, kozben pedig elem az eletem ahogy tudom. Bizom benne, hogy egy nap ez mar a multe lesz, s talan, hogy masoknak is segithetek ezen az uton. A felelemben eles nem egy tundermese, de remelem, hogy boldogan elek majd, mig meg nem halok…

ENG: I wrote the below post 3 years ago, and now that we have started our SOULFOOD project with Rita I thought it is time to share it again. It was hard to re-read it, so many memories, feelings came up, swirling, but I am at a much better place already. “Coming out” was difficult, but necessary in order to help myself and perhaps others…

241998179947565536_6MJEZyeU_b3 February 2013

Staring at the screen, wondering how to start, where to start, whether to start at all… This post is for everyone out there, who is in a desperate need of help, for those, who would like to help, but don´t know how, for those, who helped me (HUGE THANKS) and for the “FabNavyWife” somewhere in the USA. This is the most honest post I´ve ever written – my aim is to help raising awareness, and to let you know, that it´s nothing to be ashamed of. There is still so much confusion about this topic, and people are afraid of talking about, letting it out.

I have a panic disorder. I´ve suffered from panic attacks for more than 6 years now, and it has changed my life, my behavior. I´ve been living in my own shadow, in fear and within my comfort zone, that has been getting smaller and smaller by time and especially by every panic attack I went through.

I can clearly remember my very first attack, in the middle of the night, sneaking up on me, without any sign. I was laying there in the dark, knowing nothing about what was going on, thinking that I was having a heart attack and was going to die. I wish there was someone around me, able to tell me about this disorder. I was alone with my problem for months, and it was devastating. I started to avoid situations I´d had a panic attack in before, and slowly I build up a lifestyle that had nothing to do with the real me any more. Most of the people around me still doesn´t know anything about my panic disorder, but wearing my “Poker face” pretending and excusing myself all the time is not much of any fun.

Since then I had ups and downs, moved to London, where I managed to be ok for a while, but eventually it all came back. It is a desperate fight every day. Every panic attack makes me feel like am a failure, disappointing myself and all the people around me. It squeezes out even the last drops of my energy, leaving me numb and hopeless for a while. BUT…

Throughout the years I learned that I must accept what I have, who I am. (it´s still work in progress, though) I´ve been seeking for solution everywhere – medical, spiritual, and even though it´s f…ing hard, but I “pick myself up, dust myself off and start all over again”… (this song is my anthem and my shelter).

Long story short: I decided to “confess”, because I believe it can help others. I didn´t have any help for a while, so I know exactly how much it means… The BIGGEST help is to know I am not alone with this, and that I can count on others when in need. (however, the first person I should be able to count on is myself, of course – again, work in progress)

Those, who have never experienced a panic attack, will probably never fully understand what it is. And that´s just fine, but they can still accept the state of yours and be there for you. It can be extremely hard to talk about it, and I made a mistake by keeping it for myself for too long, and then again, when I expected my partner to deal with it, when even I couldn´t deal with it. My point is, don´t repress it, but on the other hand, don´t overwhelm others. Complaining all the time won´t help your case, and definitely won´t help your relationships. However, those, who truly matter and love you will be there for you, just tell them how. (my partner has become REALLY my partner, he is a wonderful person, and I think we learned to manage it)

When I have a panic attack I try to remain calm (like it´s possible not to burn standing in the fire), to remind myself, that it will end, and will go away (usually it lasts up to 20 minutes or so, but can exhaust you for days). Counting your pulse does NOT help, even worse measuring your blood pressure, don´t you dare! Breathing slowly is good (sometimes impossible, though). If my partner is there, he always try to distract me, which most of the time turns out to be helpful, but of course, we are all different, and what works for me might not do the same for you.

I know it´s all in my head, and if I am not willing to help myself, no one will be able to do it. I meditate, do yoga occasionally and work out, read a lot about the topic and trying to find my way out, while living my life as much as I can. Hope, that one day I will be able to let this all go, and maybe help others to do the same. Living in fear is not a fairy tale, but hopefully I will live happily ever after

6 thoughts on “#SOULFOOD – ILLUSION OR REALITY: THE PANIC ATTACK…

  1. I see many people suffering from it. I have a friend who said very shyly something about suffering from panic attack just to be surprised how many people are experiencing it!

    i love your blog, your posts are getting better and better every time. you grown as a writer/blogger love. congrats!

  2. You know that I cried reading this! You have helped me already in the short time that I have known you and I want you to know that. i hope that we can continue to help each other through this very difficult situation. ❤

    Prayers and Best Wishes are always with you!

  3. Jó volt olvasni, hogy valaki mer erről a betegségről őszintén írni, kevesen vállalják fel ezeket a problémáikat. Sok ismerős érzés tört elő bennem, jártam ebben a cipőben én is… Még sok-sok fényévnyi távolságot kívánok Neked attól az állapottól! 🙂

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